10 rules to owning Austin

austin is the city of eternal summer

this is how you catch her rays:

1. if barton creek has water in it, immerse yourself. Kayak it when over 300 cfs. Otherwise, use a tube or just set your feet in the running water and don’t get your book wet.

2. if it’s not local, deduct 10 points. keep it weird? what they mean is keep it local. explore the austin identity. add 50 points for finding folk art like casa neverlandia, the clarksville gorilla, the statue of liberty house, a yard full of christmas ornaments, the cathedral of junk. … the enchanted forest. when you figure out your final score, whisper it to a limestone pebble and toss it in barking springs. don’t forget to make a wish.

3. if the temperature reaches 100 degrees during the day, know you will be at barton springs at 8:59 for free night swim. howling at or for the moon is encouraged. save our springs brings a band sometimes for backup.

4. if you recognize a stranger, introduce yourself. that person you ran into at whole foods yesterday and at yoga class last week? you don’t know it yet, but you’ll run into them tomorrow at the farmers market. or at joes coffee. go ahead and say hi. go ahead and stand in front of them,  pull out your phone, call 911 and report a stalker. make sure they hear. make sure you mention to chief acevedo that you won’t press charges if they’d only buy you a margarita.

5. get a bike. ride it. when you don’t feel like riding it, walk. when you don’t feel like walking, go to barton springs and lie in the grass all day. don’t forget to say hi to your new friend. maybe buy him a margarita at baby a’s. if he’s cute, make his a purple one. if he’s not … make yours a purple one?

6. there’s a dance scene,  find it. it’s fun. don’t go and sneer at hipsters. go dance.

7. remember. austin is strong enough for a man, but it’s PH balanced for a woman. wait. that’s Degree™. it’s hot. you’re gonna sweat. if you’re embarrassed about that, you should probably move: try greenland. on the flip side,  it will be cold an average of two days a year. on those days, the city shuts down. when it does, grab your only coat and scarf and walk around the neighborhood. under no circumstances are you allowed to spend those two days at home.

8. when you buy tickets to a show, buy two. always find a friend to share the music with. when friends call you last minute to go to a show, go. Oh, you haven’t heard of the band? GO

9. try to live next to your friends. it’s hard enough to get around in this city. live as close to your life as you can. important barriers to consider here? THE RIVER–um, i meant lake?: I 35. Mopac. To cross two major thoroughfares a day–can you handle that stress? Oh yeah, never get on I 35. there are 400 better ways to get there. Avoid Mopac if possible. There are probably 2 or 3 better ways to get there.

10. if you see Westboro Austinites (usually identified by shirts that say “austin sucks try dallas”, “don’t move here”, “fucking hipsters”, etc. — you know the type), call them out. let them know we consider them poisonous golems and wish fervently that they would take their terrible attitudes elsewhere.

and don’t honk your horn. it upsets the cicadas.

/ lucas p